The Ramblings of a Redhead

Its been quite some time since I’ve been on here. Life has just been taking a toll on me. I’m finally deciding that its time to again sort out what I’m doing with myself. Who and what is and isn’t important enough. I’ve been crying for weeks straight, and that’s not the person I am. That is a person I refuse to be. I want to smile and laugh and love. I want to not wonder when the next verbal smack down is going to occur. I’m tired of being an abused puppy, always scared when someone raises their hand to pet me. I want to know that when I love someone unconditionally, the feelings will be returned. I’m tired of being talked down to just because someone is in a bad mood. Its not ok, and I’m not letting it happen anymore. I turn 20 tomorrow and I will have something to show for it. I’m taking control of my life and not letting people stomp all over me just because they feel like it. I am a happy person and I deserve to live a life that incorporates that.

But on a brighter note. MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW!!! I’m thinking about getting a  tattoo. A yinyang symbol but with a little kick to it. I can’t wait to start planning it out with the tattoo artist. :)

I gotta admit, I’m a tad put out today. Last night I helped my friends move into their new apartment. Well at one point in the night, my feelings got a bit stirred. I tried to go out and walk it off, but I was asked to come back because the idea of me walking around by myself was not favored by a certain someone. I came back but the feelings were still there, so I asked my friend to come with me outside and we commenced talking about a rather small topic. Now I can admit, I have a huge problem with over-analyzing things that people say. Its something that I’ve been working on for a while and am still working on in the present day. Well our other friend kept interrupting our conversation, so it took longer to finish than if we just talked it out non-stop. The conversation came to an end and our friend was already laying in bed, frustrated from us talking outside. I felt horrible from the beginning of the talk since it was their first night in their new home. I voiced before bed, to the friend I conversed with, that I was sincerely sorry for ruining their first night. I was told that everything would be alright, and that with the new home, everything would just go uphill. I still felt bad but I was more than content with the encouraging words. I messaged my other friend before I went to class this morning that I was sorry and was going to make a huge effort for that not to happen again, and I received a message back stating how irritating the situation was and that they were very upset that their first night ended up being like every other night. Ok:

1. Me doing that is not an everyday thing, I admit that it has become frequent, but to those who have no idea what’s going on, I can understand how it can seem worse than it is.

2. Habits are hard to break and when you discourage the person trying to break a bad habit, it doesn’t make it any easier.

3. I can understand that it was irritating but my apology wasn’t even acknowledged. I’m not going to take the time to apologize to someone when I’m not sorry and its somewhat hurtful when its thrown right back in my face as if its not good enough.

4. The night got better. We stayed up and watched a movie for a bit and ate some food. It wasn’t a total waste and that would’ve been seen if everyone stayed up.  

I hope that everything can turn out ok, because I really do feel bad, but moreover, I enjoy both of my friends’ company and wouldn’t want to lose either one of them, or be seen as a nuisance.

So the day has finally come where I’m going to be the one to sound like a Christmas special. I think its pretty funny that this realization came in the month of December as well. I have come to find that I have gotten the one thing I’ve truly craved throughout my life, to be part of a real family. To have people around me that actually care about me and my safety, laugh at my jokes, make fun of me as much as they let me make fun of them, listen to what I have to say, not to mention actually want me around. I didn’t realize it until my friend’s mom asked me to give her a call. I thought it was going to be so that she could ask me a favor but she was actually asking for my sizes in clothing, so that she could buy me a Christmas present. I honestly had no idea how to react. Over time, I slowly became aware that my absence was noticed around my friend’s house, but I never realized that my company was really enjoyed. I guess I had been so focused on how I wished I could obtain the man of my admiration, that I never even took the time to notice that me and his sister joke around all the time, his little brother always asks me to play video games with him, and his parents always talk to me as soon as I walk in the door and right before I walk out.

Its way too easy to take advantage of the life you have. It really is the small things in life that make a difference. I’m happy to say that there is a huge chance my holiday season will be marked with joy once again. :D

So I took a nap today and woke up in a not so great mood, but for some reason, my mind just kept moving and within seconds I found myself finally getting things done. I went to the store and finally did the shopping I’d been meaning to do. When I got back I called the pharmacist to finally put in for my refills, which I had been meaning to do for weeks. Here in just a little bit, I get to go with my mom to check on Delilah, my car, and figure out when she’s coming back into my life. After that I’m going to finally go to the library and fill out the paper work I’ve been needing to do for a month now. I’m so happy that I’m finally back. And just in time too, I really didn’t want to horribly fail my classes. I’m tired of being second rate, at least when this semester ends, I’ll know that I tried my hardest to make it back.

As it can be seen I’m finally out of my rut and I couldn’t be happier, I woke up this morning and couldn’t help but smile. I guess in the midst of my slumber, my mind had its mortal combat and the negativity was horribly defeated. Of course there will be sequels but the good guy always comes back triumphant. I’m so happy for all the people I have around me, that were patient enough to not just tell me to go away and deal with it. Perhaps that was all I needed, to talk to someone, to really know that someone would be willing to listen to what I had to say. And in knowing that, my pain subsided because I really do have people in my life that actually give half a crap about me, my feelings, and my words. I’m so excited to be back and once I get the hang of Tumblr, I’ll have way more interesting stuff on here so the people who actually do look at my page aren’t having to read all this depressing crap. haha well till next time! ^.^

I’ve been in this horrible rut for the past week and I’m getting sick of it. I cry for no reason and it irritates me as much as it irritates the people who are around when it happens. I’ve tried to find the root of the problem and I’m thinking it stems back to a trip I took about a week ago. After I came back home everything just seemed to have gone down hill. I feel like I’m being forgotten by the people I let my guard down enough to have ties with. I got to talk to my brother today, which is the only person who ever seems to truly have the patience for me. He was able to talk to me and make me feel better but I still have this nagging at the back of my head that I’m just running in place. If I could have one huge cry fest, maybe, just maybe, I would start to feel better. But honestly I don’t think that would do it. Simply for the reason that I have no clue whats wrong. I just really want this all to be over. I miss smiling and laughing and dancing and singing off key. The person I am right now is someone that I haven’t been for a while, someone that I don’t want people to meet. I just want to be me again.